i just threw a silver spoon in the bin

it felt good.

just a little girl wondering her head off in an airconditioned airport.

i wonder if i had kissed you.. would anything be different?

if i had not resisted temptation?

would you still be mine?

not.. hers.

if that day when you told me my smile was beautiful

nobody ever says my smile is beautiful. i rather hate it.

if i had crossed that room and kissed you on your two lips..

would i be in the rubbish im in?

i suppose its no longer relevant.

i suppose im no longer relevant.

i suppose what i thought i was doing for your benefit, backfired on me.

but life happens.

ill get over it.

in my next life.

thoughts.

when the only thing keeping you alive is breath

and love supposedly takes your breath away

then how can love be viewed as a positive state of being?

if you have to stop breathing for it

it takes away your life

how can that possibly be positive?

quite a misfortunate fate, really.

what if?

what if one night you had a dream?

what if one night you had a dream where you had gone to heaven

and you picked a wild exotic flower?

what if you woke up?

with a flower in your hand?

then what?

the height of your chin is directly related to how complete strangers view you

you know those women?

the ones everybody looks at and says to the nearest person.. "wow, she must be someone."

they might have designer shoes.

they might be rude to a waiter.

they might be ordering thousand euro champagne.

she might be clicking on the computer

she might be clicking down a rainy footpath.

nothing incredibly out of the ordinary about them.

but something makes them something.

be italian.. be italian.. WHEN YOU HOLD ME DONT JUST HOLD ME BUT, HOLD, THIS!

is it sad that i dont want to go home?

infact im dreading going home?

i love italy :)

and i hate home :)

because i dont want to have to deal with you.. and you

mum got it.

i told her and she said she got it

at dinner in the snow

she got it

i told her about cam and lily and everything relevant to that exact moment..and she said she knew.

coz my dad did to her what lily did to me.

but she might not get how much it affects me.

because it affects me a hell of a lot.

fourteen years is too much to throw away.

im not designed to make sense :)

- last hall

-online art

-camera PLUS phone

-those women

-vacancy

-lemons

-washing bags

-running clinic

-lily.

another nobody to add to my collection

so, lets think.

we had mr technology.

then it was mr i-want-sex

then it was mr bitch

then it was mr youre-pissed-at-me-so-i-break-up-with-you

how brilliant.
NOT ONE OF MY RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE EVER BEEN TRULY HAPPY.
I DIDNT LIKE TROY, I LUSTED AFTER HIM
I ONLY WENT OUT WITH LACHY BECAUSE I SAW POTENTIAL, NOT BECAUSE I LIKED HIM
I HAD NO CONTROL OVER WHETHER I WENT OUT WITH SCOTT OR NOT, NEVER WAS I GIVEN A CHOICE

mr technology was the only one that even came close to working. but that was so long ago it hardly counts.

and now what am i left with?
a collection of broken relationships that never ever worked properly. left with no happy memories, only ones of all the times ive been too scared to break it off, praying that if i stuck with it for long enough, id like the guy.

ive just had a bunch of failed relationships.

i never had a guy i could call my best friend as well as a boyfriend.
i never had a guy i could trust.
i never had a guy that knew me, properly.

i never had that guy. and i probably wont for a while.

as that song went, "the winner takes it all. the loser standing small. beside the victory. thats her destiny."

what if that IS my destiny? to stand beside the victory? to watch as everyone else has nice relationships? and i just stand there, small, alone?

will i always be alone?

when will i have THAT guy, that guy where i feel with him even when im not? when i never feel alone? when i actually feel LOVED?

another question i have is, why me?

lily has been SO happy with the guys shes been with.
SO happy.
shes had three amazing guys that shes absoloutely adored.
dont deny it.
ive seen it.

and ive had none.
absoloutely none.

it was just one small necklace made of silver. not worth a lot in the scheme of things, but by god it did.

there are reasons for everything
and im kind of sick of certain people asking me why i do things
especially when i have already expressed my anger or sadness to them
and then they ASK a few days later... but why did you leave it behind?

DID YOU NOT LISTEN?

there was a reason i texted it to you even when you were not even 10m away.
because im an arse alright?
but didnt you know?

the reason i left it behind was because it gives me hell to wear it.

it is SO beautiful.
i love it.
i love it so much.

the way the corners are perfect.
the way it glistens in the sun.
it is so SHINY.
the perfect length.
the chain is 45 cm.
perfect.

but that day.
a day supposed to be the best of the year.
i need to get a new one now.
or just blank you out completely.
because you will never support my decision.
even if i did get a new one.

i would have LOVED to bring it to Italy.
i would have LOVED,
LOVED
to bring it into St Peters Basilica
more than anything

Just to show the world im serious.
but i went in there, without it, feeling bare necked even though i was not
and feeling a bit empty

empty. how familiar.



ill stop rambling now. sorry.

she was lost in so many different ways, out in the darkness with no guide

She was lost in so many different ways
Out in the darkness with no guide
I know the cost of a losing hand
Never thought the grace of God go high

I found heaven on earth
You were my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria

I've been alone when I'm surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud?
But I still go home knowing that I've got you
There's only us when the lights go down

You are my heaven on earth
You are my hunger, my thirst
I always hear this voice inside
Singing Ave Maria

Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While your busy making plans
Suddenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand

You are my heaven on earth
You are my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria, Ave Maria, Ave Maria

what a positive start to the year.

my first post of the year, and im pissed.
well, technically its not the first. its still 10pm here.
but the post two below this.
blogspots saying its the first.

sometimes the things that are worst for us can actually be the best for us too.

i'm not going to write about IT, the EVENT, on here.
because lily poo poo, you are the one and only person on this planet that knows i did it.
and the only one to EVER know it.
remember that i trust you.
always remember that i trust you.

but let me tell you, it was good.
it was damn good.

my love, got me back to the top of the slide

im not going to try to make this sound poetic or good. because i suck.

im pissed.
i dont think i remember being this pissed.

tonight has been such an emotional journey.
i started being pissed.
at my mum.
very very pissed at my mum.
she doesnt see the world how i see it.
and she cant accept.
and she spends.
spends what i cant control.

then i was nervous.
nervous about what was in my suitcase.
nervous to take it to the stove.
then take it into the bathroom and out the window.
im not going to go into that.

then, i was happy.
i was just being me.
hanging with my brother.
telling him stories.
but not THOSE stories.
he doesnt know about THAT, or THAT either.
he still thinks im perfect.
i taught him stuff about being old.
my old.
and how he doesnt actually know alot.
and how he should love that.

then, then i was back to being fucking pissed.
pissed off.
and mark my words, ALOT more pissed than i was the last time.
because im not pissed for me.
im pissed because NO ONE,
NO ONE has the rights to treat other people that way.
I know you're exaggerating.
but i cant run the risk of a single word of it being true.
never ever will i take that risk.
im a risk taker, everyone knows that.
i mean, what i just did.
wow.
i like risk.
but not this.
never this.

ever.