click "older posts"..i have ALOT of new posts since i last posted.

tee hee.

he is just SO hot. i re fell in love with him after the sunglasses pic. like OH MY GOD. the bottom one *drool*

last week there was this one night, every five minutes i would submit a new story to MLIG about the things that make my life great. two of these were published.

yay :)

i submitted so many things, and two were great enough to share with the world.

shhhhhhhhhh nobody can know my life is brilliant ;)

me happy :)

ps i read one of the published ones out to you this morning near the secret bathrooms. but you didnt know that is was mine tee hee

yayyyyy

when my grandpa dies, ima read this at his funeral

My dearest granddaddy 'I love you',
I think of you each day.
I feel your arms around me,
that's how I get through my days.

Your looking down upon me,
to guide me on my way,
but its very hard without you,
each and every day.

People always tell me,
the grieving will subside.
But how can it get better,
without you by my side.

No matter how hard they try,
to help me with this pain,
I am all consumed by thinking,
It will never be the same.

I know one day we'll meet,
in the Heavens up above.
It's the one thing that helps me,
to never forget your love.

My dearest grandaddy, I love you,
Your with me every day.
I will keep this love within me,
until that beautiful day...

i just deleted lachlan. literally.

when you say "might"
i say "you have no idea, do you?"

messages with two reasons

because i hate him
and i hate you
but if you two decide to keep, well, fighting..
then i know what will happen
because i hate both of you
but i love what could happen
if you well, decided to fly
i know why.
i dont hate him like i hated say..the others
but i still hate him a lot
hate=love
fighting=loving each other
i know=i have no fucking idea
love=hate
fly=become like..athing
a lot= a little bit

whenever i feel like posting i dont have a computer
whenever i have a computer i dont feel like posting

its rather annoying.

14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23...

and we get older.

i found a song that pertrays PERFECTLY how i feel. every single word of it.

I look around me,
But all I seem to see,
Is people going no where,
Expecting sympathy.
It's like we're going through the motions,
Of a scripted destiny.
Tell me where's our inspiration,
If life wont wait,I guess it's up to me.
Woah!No, we're not gonna waste another moment in this town.
Woah!And we won't come back your world is calling out.
Woah!We'll leave the past in the past,Gonna find the future.
If misery loves company well,
So long, you'll miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Procrastination, running circles in my head.
While you sit there contemplating,
You wound up left for dead (left for dead)
Life is what happens while you're busy making your excuses.
Another day, another casualty.
And that won't happen to me.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
When I'm gone-Let's go!
Won't look back,
When I say goodbye.
I'm gonna leave this a hole behind me,
Gonna take what's mine tonight.
Because every wasted day becomes a wasted chance.
You're gonna wake up feeling sorry,
Because life wont wait,
I guess it's up to you.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

the last step
the last leap
the last jump
the last loss
the last pain
the last gain
the last breath
the last sing
the last sweat
the last walk
the last cry
the last yes
the last no
the last maybe
the last no you cannot
the last yes yes you can
the last do it do it do it
the last whine
the last tear
the last week
the last day
the last hour
the last minute
the last second

... but not the last milisecond. the last milisecond is soon, but not now.

w i know your reading this about now ish

7 20 ish pm

i cant be here right now

i hope you understand

la la la la la POO

i reach into the drawer and fumble around a little
my hand brushes the cool plastic of its case
i grasp it, pulling it towards me.
its case is hard and black, the shining silver brand imprinted on the front
i slowly open the clasps
one

by

one
and open the box that hasnt been opened in more than a year.

the maroon velvet caresses the silver, every key every bump every hole.
i pick up the three peices and snap them together, the way that is so familiar to me.
i place it to my lips.

B flat.

G sharp.

high D.

after making sure my favourites still work, i turn to the first page of the first book.
the peice that i played for my exams.

i play "amid the new-mown hay" from beginning to end, without faltering, stopping or hitting the wrong note.
this is amazing. i havnt picked this up in more than a year and i havnt lost any talent.

some of the notes i can play i dont know the names of. i have mostly forgotten how to read my music.

but the sound, the notes, the trills, they come from my heart. they come from that place deep within me that knows these rhythms, these patterns, so so well. it has been imprinted to my soul.

just playing like this, it brought me back to the time i had last palyed it. the times there had been no stress or worry, when life was good.

next, "pillow dance"

my gosh, i was even more shocked at this one, the speed at which my tired fingers were moving was amazing.
i had always played this peice too fast. always too fast my teacher had told me one day. always too fast.
but i like it fast. it sounds so... alive



so i just played until all my books had been read and re read, mainly playing from the imprint, but having it there for support.

and i remember why i started it, a whole 6 years ago, when i was 7.

because it makes me happy.

i said "im back for good now, i wont dissapear again, unless the zombies take this prime oppertunity to invade..."
he said "dont worry, if they do ill fight them off, shirtless, wiht my bare hands"



wowwwwwww

im listening to my brother playing guitar.

like holy shit hes good.

so im back to my dark place

i really feel like hes avoiding me

it would even be okay if he answered my calls
i can live with being the one to call

it would even be okay if he answered my emails
i can live with being the one the start a convo






but no

and now i feel very very isolated from him

like why the fuck am i in this?

and i cant break up with him if he doesnt pick up or answer emails.

im not telopathical.

i have shunned his jumper even further out of my sight.
to under my lovesac.
thats right, under.
so i really will never see it again.

the whore drinks tea.

im getting fat.
yuck.

he didnt even pick up

i tried THREE times. more than thats stalkerish.
the motherfucker. coz now i cant casually say watcha do on sunday.
galahahhahhaialo.rhgwzb,sfjxuioy

i see you

like an asteroid.

its my daddys birthday today.

i got him two books that he might read in the next couple of years. (he is a really, really, really slow reader)
osc got him a pizza making machine
mum got him mika tickets but he doesnt like mika so ill probs end up going :):):):)
dexter got him a dozen beers, each from a different place around the world

and yay for food.

the things i am telling lachlan tonight

1. that day at the fair, on the ground i was crying.. but you didnt see or didnt care
2. i lied when i said that 'clever boy clever boy put two and two together' was an in joke, i actually meant it, directed at you
3. how was your sunday? *evil cackle* (im not actually going to evil cackle, but in my head i will be mwahahaha)

ima crack this baby right open.

its 9 16 AM

15 hours and 3 minutes since i asked him to call.

he didnt call.

i just want one phone call.
thats all i want.

and i dont know why im so upset that he isnt calling.
because every tear on my already wet pillow is showing my weakness.
how one phone call can affect me.

i just want him to call me.
i want it alot.

forever waiting

still waiting

its six hours and seven minutes since i asked him to call

but

still

no

call






its past midnight. im waiting for his call. i will wait until his call before i let myself sleep.

six hours isnt that long, he could have been eating.. he will call

he better call





i specifically asked him to ring me.
so he will.

my apologies dear friend

my apologies dear friend that i am feeling maybe a little tiny bit happy
that tomorrow is the end
just a little bit

and why am i regretfully a little joyful?



because every time a tear rolls down your beautiful cheek, a part of me breaks
something deep down inside of me shatters
every time i hear you say your sad
i have this urge
to wrap you up in my love and fly away with you
to keep you safe forever..

every time i see..well i see..
it hurts me inside
to know that you experience so much pain in life
to make you do... that
it really hurts me

and everytime you talk about the bad things hes done
i just want to punch him so hard
for not being who you want
who you need
who hes supposed to be


i feel your pain so vividly, and im crushed to know that sometimes im not enough to help you, not even enough to make you feel better.

ive cried before. ive cried because i see your pain and i dont know what to do to help you
because i need to help you
and i want to help you

the other day in the lockerrooms when my pointer finger on my right hand brushed along the scar closest to your knee on your left thigh, i meant it. i dont know, maybe if i brushed over it, the scar, the hurt and the memory would go away, like magic. like i could magically make your problems go away.

i know how much you hurt sometimes, i know it so well. i know you think i dont, but i really do.
i love you so much, to the end of the world and back and further still.

because every time you lose a drop of blood, or a single tear... my heart shatters













and that is why i am sorry that i think tomorow will be good for you, as you will have one less problem in your life, and one less hurt, and one less wound.

mah mah

is it gramatically correct to say "i will be omnicient" ? or only when used as a technique...?

if he calls me tonight, ill tell him i love him. there you go self, a good reason to keep your phone on. if he calls, which he wont, ill tell him i love hm. because then when its my voice, hell either say ilove you too, or i dont feel the same way. either or. but if he calls, i will be very happy.

i just know that me and lachlan could work, but we arent doing it right.

the pussycat dolls pherhaps got it right. fuck i hate the pussycat dolls. cept ther hot.

but they were right. i dont need a man to make me happy i get on do my thing i dont need a ring around my finger to make me feel complete

i dont even give a fuck about lachy anymore. he cant answer my calls and reply to my emails to save his life. he doesnt know i have my english exam tomorrow, heck he doesnt even no we have exams. let alone a good luck i love you i know youll do well. no, because i havnt spoken to him since saturday, when he was depressed.

what am i even talking about? he gave up saying i love you a LONG time ago. i just wish he would say it sometimes, i dont even care if he didnt beleive it, just so i could pretend that something in my life was working. just SOMETHING.

i really need a hug.

fuck.

exams are tomorrow and english is first and im freaking out cuz there is so much expetation from my parents and my teacher cuz im in extention english and at timbertop i wanna be in top extention so this exam matters so much and im not prepoerly writing a short story yet i just have to hope and pray that my short answers are witty enough and my essay is structured enough. coz i am gunna bullcrap my way through the quotes, lets hope they dont catch on. but that STORY. my god., i have to keep woring on it now so i cant type but im stdying for maths too which my parents want me to do well in and then i have to study for geog and science cuz i love geography and will beat myself up for all of eternity unless i get one hundred percent. i hate this. i left all this study to the last minute and now im screwed.

so m guna study my ass off now and see what happends

please god i pray to you the holy father, keep me safe in these tough exams, help me excel, help me work to the best of my capablities, i thank you lord, amen.

A woman takes a lover home during the daywhile her husband is at work. Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizingthat the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'The man says, 'Yes, it is..'Boy: 'I have a baseball.'Man: 'That's nice'Boy: 'Want to buy it?'Man: 'No, thanks.'Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'Man: 'OK, how much?'Boy: '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: 'Dark in here.'Man: 'Yes, it is.'Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'The lover, remembering the last time,asks the boy, How much?'Boy: '$750'Man: 'Sold.' A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..Wait For It !!The boy says, 'Dark in here.'The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now..'

what does cutting your breast represent? something about femninity. but im not sure, but i hear it everywhere.

:) smile if you mean it
:( frown if you mean it

(\/)
(o.o)
(><) Be a bunny if you mean it.

i should really call lachlan. but who gives a fuck anyway. sinc he started maybe mattering a little bit (saturday night), i can only get hurt by being around him... if he screws up itwill hurt now more than ever.

saw miss mac today

woooop.

i dunno why i dont like her that much anymore

since i feel like shes against me

since that day.

but i used to like her

but i like sarah more

shes my kinesiolegist :)

but uually we talk about goals and stuff

and what i want to happen

not really about just generally feeling depressed and like i want to stab myself.

but shes cool

and she smiles alot

which makes me happy

and she calls me gorgous

and shes pretty

and she got married

and shes just nice to be around

and i like her office A LOT more.

but ther different i suppose.

shes one of my fave adults.

along with mel.

and OTHER sarah.

its rather phenonimal that a phantom love can mean so much
and hurt so much when it goes wrong
or dissapears alltogether
when it was only a phantom

when you know you love him, but only once hes stopped loving you back
because when he loved you you werent ready


and the way a couple of words can mean so much ... the "i know what its like.. i really do"

how they can mean SO MUCH

and how the lack of the standard i love you is affecting me

and how the "obligations" are all taht make him act




when the love is so... unrequited (i hate that word, reminds me of goddamned year 7 english)

when love is unrequited..

life gets hellish
trying to just keep your head above the surface long enough to breathe

and so he 'likes' me. my ass. or hes just one of those people that doesnt show it.


but i kinda sorta love him



and its all very phenominal.

i think or once i might actually post something that lives up to the name of this blog, unspoken whispers.

so here is a whisper that i want to whisper but cant.

"so mother dearest, we find ourselves here again. please. consistency. do it for me do it for you i dont really care that your here, neither do i care that your gone, but dont you dare go trying to intervine when you have been out of my life for so long and you suddenly want to know everything. be here or dont be, but make up your mind."

another one is

"please stop trying to care."

another one is

"i know you better than you think i do"




that last one is to more than just one person

a thousand times ive started to write a post
a thousand i havnt clicked publish
a thousand times i just didnt let myself
a thousand i just said no

be bah bo bah be bah bo.