i can be bothered now.

Actually no, i will write, before i forget.

i dont love you

i dont even like you that much

yet i keep on going

i was having a good day

feeling like a child

with my face painted and balloon in hand

until you came

and everything went downhill from there.

no hello

no hug

jesus a kiss would never have happened

you ignored me the whole day

and when i asked you about it that night

you said "because i was with friends

i didnt want to be all over you

i just wanted to chill"

chill my ass

and i noticed.

i noticed when you finally did put your arm around my waist,

forced to of course

you would never do it yourself

but i noticed, how you got your hands away from me as soon

as soon as your brother rounded the corner

like you were ashamed of me

like you didnt want to be seen with me

im your girlfriend you idiot

you absoloute idiot

and all you had to say that night was bitching about other people

you didnt even apologise.

you thought nothing was wrong.

i am trying to be good by you

i put myself out there and called you

usually im too scared.

but i did it, and we talked

until you said you wanted to go to bed

what? is it undone in your world to speak on the phone under the covers until the early hours?

thats what i wanted.

but no.

with a swift goodbye you hung up

no i love you

no goodnight

no nothing.

and it kinda made me feel bad

like i wasnt worth much to you

and i am wondering, why do you keep me?

you clearly dont like my inside, or you would have kept talking

you clearly dont like my outside, if you didnt want to be associated with me.

but lets take it back a step, at the park.

i came back for you, so you wouldnt get lost.

we walked to the park together.

that was your chance to say something.

everyone had been saying stuff all morning about how weird you were being.

you didnt notice.

so, the park.

when everyone was having fun,

i secretly wanted to die.

and you wonder why i kissed lily *on the lips*

and refused you.

wonder all you like sweet boy.

but when i sat down at the park

and you asked why i was sad,

i laughed and said what? im happy as can be

and smiled.

that stupid smile that let you off the hook of caring what was wrong.

and when i lay down you lay with me.

for a split second.

you didnt even notice when i was crying and my facepaint was smudging.

or if you did notice how upset i was, you didnt care to ask.

much less comfort or hug me.

and then

the worst

all day

when i was crying,

you

literally

just



walked



away.

without a goodbye, you walked away from a wreck on the floor that slightly resembled me

you actually walked away.

if only

i cant even be bothered to write how i am feeling. basically, through the floor.

lifes like an hourglass glued to the table

its two AM and she calls me coz im still awake
can you help me unravel my latest mistake
i dont love him
winter just wasnt my season

yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
like they have any right at all to critisize
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

Coz you cant jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button girl
so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe...
just breathe...
ohh breathe...
just breathe...

hatred

fuck you bitch
i hate you
i dont care that you have problems
everyone does
and if i caused so much drama as you do
the world would hate me too.

get a fucking life and stop spreading rumours about shit you have no idea about
just SHUT THE FUCK UP
i hate you

and lachy wont pick up the godamned phone
when i need him to
just pick it up bitch

little lady, i know why everyone hates you. there is alot of people who do.
because you think the world is here for you benefit.
ITS NOT

i hate you

stop talking about me

and wats worse is that everyone beleives you.

FUCK
MY
LIFE





if i get anywhere near you tomorrow,

watch out.

seriously.

indeliberate

how could he ask me that?

he tempted me so much to tell him

but he didnt even know

how much it meant

but he knows how it is.

so i could tell him if i wanted.

but just not yet

i need to fast track to when things are a bit more natural, less awkward. more understanding.

but holy fuck.

he asked.

he just out right asked.

and i had to act shocked and like why the hell did you ask that

but i could have said yes.

but im not that silly.

<3

tell me baby girl whats on your mind

i love you so so much

talk to me

let me in

whats going on?

mates over dates

i forgive you

but just let me say

i had to battle my mum to let me go

i fought really really hard

becuase she said what if they dont come to get you

and i said dont worry mum of course they will i trust them

so she said okay

but then you let me down

and i was really hurt

and she was right

but mama wants to know why you didnt just tell me from the start

that you couldnt make it

why you led me along

i was relying on you

so then i got myself there

and i waited in your room

all alone

for 45 minutes maybe

maybe more

so i called my daddy to come pick me up

because i was crying and alone

so he came and picked me up off the ground

so when i got home i cried to my mama

and she gave me some food

so then i got ready

and i was okay

but never

had i felt

so much

just

a little bit

abandoned

whos that girl?

whos that girl who makes me feel so amazing

whos that girl that keeps me a child

whos that girl that knows my world

whos that girl thats so damned beautiful its insane

whos that girl that i would literally walk one thousand miles to see

whos that girl that has a natural artistic streak

whos that girl that makes me so happy

whos that girl that lies with me in the sun just soaking it up

whos that girl that has the best music in the world

whos that girl that just knows stuff

whos that girl that is so hot she almost made some P platers crash

whos that girl that can talk to anyone

whos that girl that can take on the world

whos that girl that i want to know forever

her name is lily. and she is amazing. so treat her right. i never want anything bad to happen to her. i want her to be happy forever. and ever and ever and ever.

forever and always.

rude?

he was beig completely out of line. he was calling marcus some inbred freak..you saw wat he was saying. i said seb we all have bad days but most of us choose not to take it out on our friends.

so i apologize if i was rude by kinda sticking up for a couple of people.

i dont know. it kinda hit home. i was bullied in year 4. i was kinda offended. so my apologies for saying something

instead of keeping my fuking mouth shut like i usually do.

maybe i will just pipe down.

and yes, i checked blogspot.

and i still love you

but gah

hes an arse

hey hey you you i dont like your boyfriend no way no way i think you need a new one

holy hell dont listen to me.

but here is my opinion.

dont hate me.

*eep*

...

there are a thousand and 2 million people that love you.. and you can love anyone of them you choose..but you choose him.

there are so many people and things that make you happy..

i kknow you cant see it from my point of view. of course you cant. ur in friggin love with him.

you dont rememebr the pain that he caused.

you dont remember the things he spread.

you dont remember how he wasnt man enough to call you a slut to your face, but blamed it on his friends.

you dont remember how he has been lying about everything since forever.

you dont remember how he has hurt everyone

...

he thinks its okay to pay out everyone else

he thinks its okay to lie

he thinks its okay to treat you badly

he thinks its okay to call you a slut

he thinks its okay to use you

he thinks its okay to see your legs, but never offer some sort of comfort

he thinks its okay to outright insult who i hope is still your best friend.

..

today i got told that i worry too much about you, that i see you as a sister more than a friend, that i take to much responsibility for you.

yet. it. is. still. not. enough. for. you. to. see.

how much i care

how much i know about you

how much i love you

and how much i just want to protect you

from everything

but i dont think you'll let me.

suspension :/

so im probably getting suspended

for wagging

i had like 3 hours with dr guy

who reduced me to tears

which i never do infront of teachers

but shes not a teacher

or a person shes a monster

so anyway, point of story,

i might be getting suspended.

so yeah

but im taking my dad to school tomorrow.

he'll yell the crap out of her

and then hopefully, hopefully,

i wont be.

because i rather like school

as in the place,

not the learning

coz its not home.

Dont touch her

She remembers
When she was just a little girl
With her long blond hair thin and straight
Her eyes big and blue knowing
Knowing more than she can tell
Don't touch her

And she remembers
That night with her little brother
Blonde hair, blue eyes just like her
But the belt was coming and they were waiting
Waiting to cry their blue eyes asleep
Dont touch her

She still remembers
Forgetting to put her toys away
She brushes her teeth and goes to bed
Woken up being pulled by her hair
Only to be reminded of what she did wrong
Don't touch her

Yet she remembers
When she lost track of time
He was furious she runs away
Dragged down the stairs head hitting each one
Crying already she knows what's to come
Don't touch her

But she remembers
The time he went for her brother
She stepped in the way, took it for him
Only to keep his blue eyes from crying
So he can sleep in peace and not fear
Don't touch her

Forever she remembers
That too many things have happened
Everyday the memories follow her
She walks, sleeps, eats in fear
Knowing nowhere is safe he is still near
Don't touch her

LACHLAN JAMES ELLISON

doesnt like me.

swimming

last night i went swimming with oscar
at 8.30.
we swam for a bit and then he asked me to play the diving game
i said no
and he said
"you do remember it dont you?"
and i honestly couldnt say.
he told me we had played it every summer since the pool was built
so..most of my childhood.
and i couldnt remember our favourite pool game.

it rather upset me.
i couldnt friggin remember something that had brought me and my brother so much pleasure


thats just how life has gotten
forgetting the good things
forgetting the innocence


so i asked him to teach me it.
so we played.
it was the most fun i've had in a long long time
just splashing around with my brother

then we got cold so we went inside
and dad called
and yelled at me again
and my little bubble of happiness



just



~burst~

woghan

so the last time i cut was last night

and i have to see sarah again tomorrow

yet another person to tell me im fucked up

thats 3 now

councilor, physiologist and kinesiologist.

i have a question. does he love me? does he even like me?

coz he only said he liked me after izzy had told him i liked him.

so he cood have said yeah i like you just to get something out of it.

if you know what i mean.

ill be able to tell soon.

night

my day

i give up. i just fucking give up.

i am so over life.

at home things have gotten so bad i dont know whats happening anymore

at school i want to do well.. so so so badly

i just want marks. i want an A. i really do.

im just finding it so hard. things dont make sense.

i feel like i always want to cry but tears dont come to me

i have felt numb for days now. i literally didnt feel it when i accidentally pricked myself with a needle. or when my rubber bands were pinged so hard by another girl that they turned to skin red.

i am so sad.

car ride to school, absolute hell

this morning when i walked into that library i was on the verge of tears. then i saw you and told myself no. i saw you and wanted you to hold me in your arms and let me pour it all out, for you to listen until i was finished.

but instead i said hey.

i said hey and then we talked about normal such subjects.

then when we left and we were in private in the locker room where i could have cried on your shoulder if i had wanted to, i didnt. i felt like now i have started as happy, shes gunna be mega confused if i start bawling.

so i just helped you with your english.

then in period one i couldnt find the book i wanted. stupid library.

i wagged period two.

recess was fine, but incomplete in many ways.

tutor time, kapsalis ran in, looked me straight in the eye, did what he needed to, then ran out. he knows something.

period three, thank goodness for music. its so easy and i can do it without really trying. we learnt a new pattern and its now my life pattern. it goes through out my head non stop. but i dont want it to stop. i like my one-two-three | four-five-six

period four i was in my own world

lunchtime i loved lying with you, i secretly wished we could be together. but if i had said it i would have regretted it

period five i was in my own world again, but counting down the seconds until school ended and we would go out and be us.

greenwood, i didnt get the same rush i did last time. but i loved being naughty with you, so if we got in trouble we'd be together anyway.

gymnastics, i couldnt concentrate, the ribbon just had a life of its own

ride home, absolute hell

I JUST WANTED TO SHUT HIM OUT SO I IGNORED HIM AND HOPED WITH ALL MY MIGHT HE WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE. I HOPED AND HOPED. BUT IT DIDNT HAPPEN. NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. HE SAID I NEEDED A GOOD KICK UP THE ARSE AND TO GROW UP. HE SAID I WAS DUMB. HE SAID I WAS NOTHING UNIQUE.

HE YELLED AT ME UNTIL WE ARRIVED.

I THEN GOT 1 MINUTE 47 SECONDS TO MYSELF.

HE THEN YELLED AT ME SOME MORE AND ORDERED ME TO CLEAN UP A HEAP OF STUFF.

AN HOUR LATER IM DONE AND WANT FOOD

SO HUNGRY

DINNER WAS OKAY, MUM HAD COOKED IT AND LEFT IT IN THE FRIDGE

BUT HE YELLED AT ME AGAIN WHEN I GOT SOME ICECREAM AND DIDNT SIT DOWN

I WENT UPSTAIRS TO MY MOTHERS BATHROOM, SECRETLY WISHING SHE WAS HERE, AND WEIGHED MYSELF. ONLY 6KG TO GO.

I WILL LOSE THAT WEIGHT.

SO THEN I CHECKED FACEBOOK ON MY PHONE BECAUSE IM NOT ALLOWED ON THE COMPUTER. SEB IS CALLING LACHY NAMES AND BEING MEAN TO ADELE. HE SHOULD GO FUCK HIMSELF.

so that was my day.

i love you

badass

they all claim to be badass by doing something like walk down an alley at night. ooo scary.

when really, are they?

they dont graffiti.

they dont shoplift.

they dont wag.

they really just like the label.

they should stop pretending, and leave the label for the real badasses.

not saying i am one.

but im developing into one.

im writing this from a bathroom stall, wagging. my tag is in permanent marker on the wall. this arvo im going out. really out.

and im thinking, would lachlan dump me if he knew? if he knew everything...

im not sure

3 minutes until recess

enough time for another tag :)

me

i feel so alone

i dont even know how

i just am

like nobody understands..

ever.

nobody actually knows what happened monday..yet.

nobody actually knows what is happening right now.. yet.

and i wanna tell you

i do

i just dont know how

i just feel like i shouldnt

like i dont wanna dump

but i feel so alone

lonely

and like there is no one

and im sick of it

i am sick of the smile

so i am swearing an oath to myself to not smile at all tomorrow unless i am actually happy.

lets see how that goes.

everyonell think im weird

oh well

suck it cold hearted bitches

im being me now, for one day

just for one fucking day

give me that much.

then ill be back to what you want me to be.

realisations

-i am about to have a panic attack
-i dont know what to do
-i want to talk but when the time comes i wont be able to say what i want to get out
-i want to help but i have a feeling you wont let me
-i can see myself with you tomorrow in those changerooms
-i can see me crying
-i can see me not wanting to tell you whats wrong, because right now is about you
-i can see us talking
-i can see it ending badly

and that is why i dont want tomorrow to come

and that is why i hope i die in my sleep

to avoid us falling out

to avoid me saying anything i dont mean

night.

metaphor. anger and waves.

have you ever been so angry you couldnt breathe?

like its a wave of something and your drowning in it and you cant get out

your drowning and dying in it

it consumes you wholely

but all it takes is for one lifesaver to come and do right, not to me but to others, and i will be temporarily alright.

until you go for another swim and that same wave will drown you again

until that lifesaver learns to do its job better, i will drown.

.

goodbye.

chicken

chicken you are not here

im worried baby

im in science without you

its so weird

you need to be here

you need a hug

please tell me you are okay

please still be around

im begging you

please comment

or text me

or email me

or call me

i dont care if i get a million detentions for it

i need to know your okay

i love you

please, im begging you

tell me your okay

i love you always

forever and ever

be okay

forget about them

they dont matter

i love you

forever.

3rd post in one day, im on a roll

hey

so my last post was a bit philosophical... yeah..

anyway this is my problem.. and hello to lily who is probably reading this

i love my boyfriend, like alot, and ive decided to screw the theres no true love thing because i have realised you can love someone the same way you love chocolate.

so i love him, but im really worried that we wont work. like i want us to and all, and i really like him, but what if it doesnt? i usually find talking on the phone awkward, but with him it wasnt, so why am i so scared to pick up the phone and say hi? im worried hell be busy or not want to talk to me or have better things to do etc etc

so we usually talk over fb chat. and that works really well, except when im left feeling like the massivest dork in the work constantly refreshing my page to see if he is online. which he is not today. i want him to be. i want to talk to him about things like the fact i dyed my jeans and his sister gave me weird looks. i want him to occaisionally slip in a little romantic thing and i want to pretend not to pick up on it but secretly want to kiss him through the internet..like we usually do. he is the sweetest and funniest guy i know and i really do like him. i just feel retarded that its surviving on facebook. for instance what if facebook crashed?

thats another thing, were pretty awkward in person. we both hide behind our computer screens a bit and i like that but i want him to hold my hand like i know he would if he could hide behind electronics. i want him to kiss me, not make out, but kiss me. i want him to just know when somethings wrong, so i dont have to give off the hints like i usually do for other stuff. jeez i sound like a brat i want i want i want blah blah blah..

i want him to call me so i dont feel so dependant on the internet

i want him to know i have an exam tomorrow and to wish me luck

i want him to tell me goodnight

then i want him to hang up so i dont have to..so i dont have to dissconnect him from me



am i becoming to dependant? i mean weve only been going out for a bit more than a week, but i feel like i like this person






i really want to tell him everything. but i know i cant. just yet. i know i can tell him later, because if all fails and it gets out im leaving anyway so who cares.

i want him to know what im going through. i want him to know why ill need him on monday.

i want him to text me at 2.45 to say be stong. i want him to call me at 4.20 to say how are you.

but im not sure if it will happen. i know it wont. theres no way he could know and id be to embarrassed to ever ever ask for something like that

i want to tell him everything. absoloutely everything. i might tell him next monday.

humans

there are six billion, nine hundred and thirty nine million, four hundred and eighty two thousand, four hundred and eighty one worlds in existence. and one of them is mine.

we each have our own little world, which seems like the biggest thing ever, full stop. but the truth is, there are 6,939,482,480 other people out there, and they have their little worlds too. there are 216, 000 babies being born every day. thats 4 per second. with all these worlds crammed into the one physical one, we have a massive amount of potential, who knows what could happen if we only stopped fighting for one moment to stop and take a breath...

but we dont. we continue to fight, kick and scream at each other. we cant get on. we are someones little game, creating the human race. designing a race that will constantly conflict, creating more problems, and ruining the world. they dont want us to be happy. they want us to create entertainment, a little like an experiment. perhaps we were the draft copy before creating a better, more peaceful race on another planet. perhaps we dont matter as much as we think we do.

someone has it in for us.

big time.

Hello and welcome.

so hello, and welcome to my life. that is pretty much the only thing one can say when starting a blog.

i find in rather extrodinary that people can start a blog and expect everyone to read it and fall in love with their life, i in no way expect anyone to read this, and in no way am going to convince people to. read it if you want to, if you dont like what you see.. then dont. its that simple.

so bye for now, ill post soon :)