my day

i give up. i just fucking give up.

i am so over life.

at home things have gotten so bad i dont know whats happening anymore

at school i want to do well.. so so so badly

i just want marks. i want an A. i really do.

im just finding it so hard. things dont make sense.

i feel like i always want to cry but tears dont come to me

i have felt numb for days now. i literally didnt feel it when i accidentally pricked myself with a needle. or when my rubber bands were pinged so hard by another girl that they turned to skin red.

i am so sad.

car ride to school, absolute hell

this morning when i walked into that library i was on the verge of tears. then i saw you and told myself no. i saw you and wanted you to hold me in your arms and let me pour it all out, for you to listen until i was finished.

but instead i said hey.

i said hey and then we talked about normal such subjects.

then when we left and we were in private in the locker room where i could have cried on your shoulder if i had wanted to, i didnt. i felt like now i have started as happy, shes gunna be mega confused if i start bawling.

so i just helped you with your english.

then in period one i couldnt find the book i wanted. stupid library.

i wagged period two.

recess was fine, but incomplete in many ways.

tutor time, kapsalis ran in, looked me straight in the eye, did what he needed to, then ran out. he knows something.

period three, thank goodness for music. its so easy and i can do it without really trying. we learnt a new pattern and its now my life pattern. it goes through out my head non stop. but i dont want it to stop. i like my one-two-three | four-five-six

period four i was in my own world

lunchtime i loved lying with you, i secretly wished we could be together. but if i had said it i would have regretted it

period five i was in my own world again, but counting down the seconds until school ended and we would go out and be us.

greenwood, i didnt get the same rush i did last time. but i loved being naughty with you, so if we got in trouble we'd be together anyway.

gymnastics, i couldnt concentrate, the ribbon just had a life of its own

ride home, absolute hell

I JUST WANTED TO SHUT HIM OUT SO I IGNORED HIM AND HOPED WITH ALL MY MIGHT HE WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE. I HOPED AND HOPED. BUT IT DIDNT HAPPEN. NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. HE SAID I NEEDED A GOOD KICK UP THE ARSE AND TO GROW UP. HE SAID I WAS DUMB. HE SAID I WAS NOTHING UNIQUE.

HE YELLED AT ME UNTIL WE ARRIVED.

I THEN GOT 1 MINUTE 47 SECONDS TO MYSELF.

HE THEN YELLED AT ME SOME MORE AND ORDERED ME TO CLEAN UP A HEAP OF STUFF.

AN HOUR LATER IM DONE AND WANT FOOD

SO HUNGRY

DINNER WAS OKAY, MUM HAD COOKED IT AND LEFT IT IN THE FRIDGE

BUT HE YELLED AT ME AGAIN WHEN I GOT SOME ICECREAM AND DIDNT SIT DOWN

I WENT UPSTAIRS TO MY MOTHERS BATHROOM, SECRETLY WISHING SHE WAS HERE, AND WEIGHED MYSELF. ONLY 6KG TO GO.

I WILL LOSE THAT WEIGHT.

SO THEN I CHECKED FACEBOOK ON MY PHONE BECAUSE IM NOT ALLOWED ON THE COMPUTER. SEB IS CALLING LACHY NAMES AND BEING MEAN TO ADELE. HE SHOULD GO FUCK HIMSELF.

so that was my day.

i love you