i think ill start a new blog and copy this over. new phase of my life, new blog. lily, would you like to come with me?

some days my makeup looks better than others. today is a good day :)

everything is so far behind me, and im so happy. im moving movinggg movinggg. i finally feel like i used to, in control of my life. i know where im headed, i know where i came from and i know what i can become.

everything happens for a reason. and im so excited to see why :)

at saint andrews i dont have to listen to whispers like i would have had to at timbertop..i just know it.

at sacs i feel wanted and beautiful and popular, and although i miss timbertop desperately, i know i can make a light of my situation. i know that even though my entire future was stolen from me, i can regrow it again. i can make my life into what i want, all over again.

im not going to let anything, or anyone stop me. because i am me, i know what i want, and i know how to get it.

my future looks bright :)

wowzers. i just made a mess in my trousers.

i havnt written in AGES.

wow all my posts are so.. depressing.

oh back in the day when i thought life was hard...

good times .

i love you lily. if your still on blogger..

i just threw a silver spoon in the bin

it felt good.

just a little girl wondering her head off in an airconditioned airport.

i wonder if i had kissed you.. would anything be different?

if i had not resisted temptation?

would you still be mine?

not.. hers.

if that day when you told me my smile was beautiful

nobody ever says my smile is beautiful. i rather hate it.

if i had crossed that room and kissed you on your two lips..

would i be in the rubbish im in?

i suppose its no longer relevant.

i suppose im no longer relevant.

i suppose what i thought i was doing for your benefit, backfired on me.

but life happens.

ill get over it.

in my next life.

thoughts.

when the only thing keeping you alive is breath

and love supposedly takes your breath away

then how can love be viewed as a positive state of being?

if you have to stop breathing for it

it takes away your life

how can that possibly be positive?

quite a misfortunate fate, really.

what if?

what if one night you had a dream?

what if one night you had a dream where you had gone to heaven

and you picked a wild exotic flower?

what if you woke up?

with a flower in your hand?

then what?

the height of your chin is directly related to how complete strangers view you

you know those women?

the ones everybody looks at and says to the nearest person.. "wow, she must be someone."

they might have designer shoes.

they might be rude to a waiter.

they might be ordering thousand euro champagne.

she might be clicking on the computer

she might be clicking down a rainy footpath.

nothing incredibly out of the ordinary about them.

but something makes them something.

be italian.. be italian.. WHEN YOU HOLD ME DONT JUST HOLD ME BUT, HOLD, THIS!

is it sad that i dont want to go home?

infact im dreading going home?

i love italy :)

and i hate home :)

because i dont want to have to deal with you.. and you

mum got it.

i told her and she said she got it

at dinner in the snow

she got it

i told her about cam and lily and everything relevant to that exact moment..and she said she knew.

coz my dad did to her what lily did to me.

but she might not get how much it affects me.

because it affects me a hell of a lot.

fourteen years is too much to throw away.

im not designed to make sense :)

- last hall

-online art

-camera PLUS phone

-those women

-vacancy

-lemons

-washing bags

-running clinic

-lily.

another nobody to add to my collection

so, lets think.

we had mr technology.

then it was mr i-want-sex

then it was mr bitch

then it was mr youre-pissed-at-me-so-i-break-up-with-you

how brilliant.
NOT ONE OF MY RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE EVER BEEN TRULY HAPPY.
I DIDNT LIKE TROY, I LUSTED AFTER HIM
I ONLY WENT OUT WITH LACHY BECAUSE I SAW POTENTIAL, NOT BECAUSE I LIKED HIM
I HAD NO CONTROL OVER WHETHER I WENT OUT WITH SCOTT OR NOT, NEVER WAS I GIVEN A CHOICE

mr technology was the only one that even came close to working. but that was so long ago it hardly counts.

and now what am i left with?
a collection of broken relationships that never ever worked properly. left with no happy memories, only ones of all the times ive been too scared to break it off, praying that if i stuck with it for long enough, id like the guy.

ive just had a bunch of failed relationships.

i never had a guy i could call my best friend as well as a boyfriend.
i never had a guy i could trust.
i never had a guy that knew me, properly.

i never had that guy. and i probably wont for a while.

as that song went, "the winner takes it all. the loser standing small. beside the victory. thats her destiny."

what if that IS my destiny? to stand beside the victory? to watch as everyone else has nice relationships? and i just stand there, small, alone?

will i always be alone?

when will i have THAT guy, that guy where i feel with him even when im not? when i never feel alone? when i actually feel LOVED?

another question i have is, why me?

lily has been SO happy with the guys shes been with.
SO happy.
shes had three amazing guys that shes absoloutely adored.
dont deny it.
ive seen it.

and ive had none.
absoloutely none.

it was just one small necklace made of silver. not worth a lot in the scheme of things, but by god it did.

there are reasons for everything
and im kind of sick of certain people asking me why i do things
especially when i have already expressed my anger or sadness to them
and then they ASK a few days later... but why did you leave it behind?

DID YOU NOT LISTEN?

there was a reason i texted it to you even when you were not even 10m away.
because im an arse alright?
but didnt you know?

the reason i left it behind was because it gives me hell to wear it.

it is SO beautiful.
i love it.
i love it so much.

the way the corners are perfect.
the way it glistens in the sun.
it is so SHINY.
the perfect length.
the chain is 45 cm.
perfect.

but that day.
a day supposed to be the best of the year.
i need to get a new one now.
or just blank you out completely.
because you will never support my decision.
even if i did get a new one.

i would have LOVED to bring it to Italy.
i would have LOVED,
LOVED
to bring it into St Peters Basilica
more than anything

Just to show the world im serious.
but i went in there, without it, feeling bare necked even though i was not
and feeling a bit empty

empty. how familiar.



ill stop rambling now. sorry.

she was lost in so many different ways, out in the darkness with no guide

She was lost in so many different ways
Out in the darkness with no guide
I know the cost of a losing hand
Never thought the grace of God go high

I found heaven on earth
You were my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria

I've been alone when I'm surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud?
But I still go home knowing that I've got you
There's only us when the lights go down

You are my heaven on earth
You are my hunger, my thirst
I always hear this voice inside
Singing Ave Maria

Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While your busy making plans
Suddenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand

You are my heaven on earth
You are my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria, Ave Maria, Ave Maria

what a positive start to the year.

my first post of the year, and im pissed.
well, technically its not the first. its still 10pm here.
but the post two below this.
blogspots saying its the first.

sometimes the things that are worst for us can actually be the best for us too.

i'm not going to write about IT, the EVENT, on here.
because lily poo poo, you are the one and only person on this planet that knows i did it.
and the only one to EVER know it.
remember that i trust you.
always remember that i trust you.

but let me tell you, it was good.
it was damn good.

my love, got me back to the top of the slide

im not going to try to make this sound poetic or good. because i suck.

im pissed.
i dont think i remember being this pissed.

tonight has been such an emotional journey.
i started being pissed.
at my mum.
very very pissed at my mum.
she doesnt see the world how i see it.
and she cant accept.
and she spends.
spends what i cant control.

then i was nervous.
nervous about what was in my suitcase.
nervous to take it to the stove.
then take it into the bathroom and out the window.
im not going to go into that.

then, i was happy.
i was just being me.
hanging with my brother.
telling him stories.
but not THOSE stories.
he doesnt know about THAT, or THAT either.
he still thinks im perfect.
i taught him stuff about being old.
my old.
and how he doesnt actually know alot.
and how he should love that.

then, then i was back to being fucking pissed.
pissed off.
and mark my words, ALOT more pissed than i was the last time.
because im not pissed for me.
im pissed because NO ONE,
NO ONE has the rights to treat other people that way.
I know you're exaggerating.
but i cant run the risk of a single word of it being true.
never ever will i take that risk.
im a risk taker, everyone knows that.
i mean, what i just did.
wow.
i like risk.
but not this.
never this.

ever.

i am going to take myself out of my present state of being (happy) and put myself into my sydney mood, so we have a sydneyish blog.

my life is a hole.
like, a hole.
im gunna change some names here.

bruce, you suck black cock. get the fuck off brians case and let him be.
brian, you annoy the crap out of me, but your kinda cute. but seriusly, just shut the fuck up. still love you.
Kelsie, please, please beleive in me. and SUPPORT me. you always said you would. but your not, and i feel like a joke when you bring up the topic. cant i just be myself? instead of everything you want me to be? its funny, because you are covered in all this bullshit about letting me be whoever i want, and letting me do whatever i want so i could be myself. bullcrap about you not having any expectations. BULLSHIT. you know, id rather you voice your expectations so i would at least SOME chance of doing something right. i hate how you give me TINY snippets of what you want. as if youll accept me as i am. AS FUCKING IF.
Skye, you are TOO sweet. and i mean actually TOO sweet. and as if ill ever tell you that. and as if i want to hear your crap. shut up, you already know your perfect.
Leonie, help me.
Lexie, you have everything i want. and you cant even see that. you cant see how lucky you are to have what you have.
Gunn, come back to being mine.
Rainier, i havnt heard your arguing in a while.. does this mean im not such an asshole anymore..or youve gotten over me? either way, brilliant.
Zara, what would you say? would you look at me that way? would you say "i know its not easy" or would you shake your head and say "this will not do". i promise ill write to you.
Billie, i miss you alot, and i wish i was still you.



i think the only obvious ones are kelsie and rainier... i hope.

hope.

what an odd word.
what an odd meaning.

dream catch me when i fall or else i wont come back at all

THAT song.

what are the chances?
that song was my explanation for a while there.

theres a place I go when Im alone
Do anything I want be anyone I wanna be
But it is us I see
And i cannot believe im falling

for me, it wasnt about being free when your falling in love.
for me, it was more about being finally free on my own,
being my own self, and when i saw us, i saw myself falling.


























that song also used to make me cry

love me love me say that you love me fool me fool me go on and fool me

ive fallen in love with something that could be very very dangerous to me.
and its not scott.
thats right, im calling it a think.
because it is a thing.


a very beautiful thing.
a very lovely thing.
a very obsessive thing.

a thing i am now in love with.

i dont think you understand.

im strange and im happy about it :)

3>

^ some might see a heart with the characters the wrong way around, but i see a mouth licking an arse. ^

airport madness

when im kinda verging on REALLY tired, i get into this mood.

i feel wise and beautiful.

and i like this feeling :)

hey boy wont you take me out tonight im not afraid of all the reasons we shouldnt try

lachy.
how we used to be when everyone hated him and didnt want us to be together but i still loved him.

dont you love it when you find a song that is EXACTLY how you feel?

religion conversations

my uncle started it.
mum fueled it.
life stopped it.

thankyou life :)

dont you hate it when you hate yourself but other people love you so you cant have a conversation with them about how much of a stupid person you are?

i really only post teh most skimpy of posts nowadays. like the fact that im hungry. like...w.tf

i think its because im scared to come to terms with my emotions..to have to....write about them

becausse i am just far happier putting all emotion away in littel glass jars in the back of my mind. its just easier.

because if i start writing i wont stop.

which is kinda the point of a blog, but you know. whatever. ill do what i want.

love.

im hungry. MLIA.

╔╦╦╦═╦╗╔═╦═╦══╦═╗
║║║║╩╣╚╣═╣║║║║║╩╣
╚══╩═╩═╩═╩═╩╩╩╩═╝


if only all welcomes were that bold.

My life is in fuckin chapters man.

love you.

 

i kinda feel unsafe blogging.

Everyone i knew was waiting on a cue
to turn and run when all i needed was the truth

"I'm trying to sell a business and ive got these two running around"

aka

Selling business= Positive
Children (healthy, playing, not fighting for once) = Negative

WHY IS IT NOT

"I've got these two running around and im trying to sell a business"

aka

Children (healthy, playing, not fighting for once) = Positive
Selling business= Negative

i really feel like sticking a pin through my nose.

the lachlan, as you would call him.

the lachlan, im kindof missing you.

im just sitting here thinking about god, not doing much else.

really.

but i miss you.

sure your a narcissistic sexist racist sac religious ass, but at times you got it.

i could just say whatever, and youd think i was weird, but at least i could say it.

and you were never supportive, but your atheism went on hold for a few moments to let me explain.. then straight back to saying why i was wrong.

but still, we both know i altered you.. you admitted to it before.

you know beleive a few things you didnt before

you kindof see things differently

not much, but a tiny bit.


i only ditched you coz there was more bad than good.

but i only did it because i failed to see how good the good was.

whats better, quantity or quality?
quality i think.

but there was so little good, im not sure if the quality of the good can outdo the quantity of the bad.

i mean, your pretty nasty when you want to be.

you insulted all my friends.

you insulted my beleifs, morals, and faith.

you made fun of me, to my face and behind my back.

you made me cry..more than a few times.

..but i still think you're okay.



point of story, your being missed. and i wish we could be friends, because i dont hate you, but you hate me.

i jsut want someone to tell.

Today, 8th December 2009, i realized just how little i mean to the world.

click "older posts"..i have ALOT of new posts since i last posted.

tee hee.

he is just SO hot. i re fell in love with him after the sunglasses pic. like OH MY GOD. the bottom one *drool*

last week there was this one night, every five minutes i would submit a new story to MLIG about the things that make my life great. two of these were published.

yay :)

i submitted so many things, and two were great enough to share with the world.

shhhhhhhhhh nobody can know my life is brilliant ;)

me happy :)

ps i read one of the published ones out to you this morning near the secret bathrooms. but you didnt know that is was mine tee hee

yayyyyy

when my grandpa dies, ima read this at his funeral

My dearest granddaddy 'I love you',
I think of you each day.
I feel your arms around me,
that's how I get through my days.

Your looking down upon me,
to guide me on my way,
but its very hard without you,
each and every day.

People always tell me,
the grieving will subside.
But how can it get better,
without you by my side.

No matter how hard they try,
to help me with this pain,
I am all consumed by thinking,
It will never be the same.

I know one day we'll meet,
in the Heavens up above.
It's the one thing that helps me,
to never forget your love.

My dearest grandaddy, I love you,
Your with me every day.
I will keep this love within me,
until that beautiful day...

i just deleted lachlan. literally.

when you say "might"
i say "you have no idea, do you?"

messages with two reasons

because i hate him
and i hate you
but if you two decide to keep, well, fighting..
then i know what will happen
because i hate both of you
but i love what could happen
if you well, decided to fly
i know why.
i dont hate him like i hated say..the others
but i still hate him a lot
hate=love
fighting=loving each other
i know=i have no fucking idea
love=hate
fly=become like..athing
a lot= a little bit

whenever i feel like posting i dont have a computer
whenever i have a computer i dont feel like posting

its rather annoying.

14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23...

and we get older.

i found a song that pertrays PERFECTLY how i feel. every single word of it.

I look around me,
But all I seem to see,
Is people going no where,
Expecting sympathy.
It's like we're going through the motions,
Of a scripted destiny.
Tell me where's our inspiration,
If life wont wait,I guess it's up to me.
Woah!No, we're not gonna waste another moment in this town.
Woah!And we won't come back your world is calling out.
Woah!We'll leave the past in the past,Gonna find the future.
If misery loves company well,
So long, you'll miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Procrastination, running circles in my head.
While you sit there contemplating,
You wound up left for dead (left for dead)
Life is what happens while you're busy making your excuses.
Another day, another casualty.
And that won't happen to me.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
When I'm gone-Let's go!
Won't look back,
When I say goodbye.
I'm gonna leave this a hole behind me,
Gonna take what's mine tonight.
Because every wasted day becomes a wasted chance.
You're gonna wake up feeling sorry,
Because life wont wait,
I guess it's up to you.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

the last step
the last leap
the last jump
the last loss
the last pain
the last gain
the last breath
the last sing
the last sweat
the last walk
the last cry
the last yes
the last no
the last maybe
the last no you cannot
the last yes yes you can
the last do it do it do it
the last whine
the last tear
the last week
the last day
the last hour
the last minute
the last second

... but not the last milisecond. the last milisecond is soon, but not now.

w i know your reading this about now ish

7 20 ish pm

i cant be here right now

i hope you understand

la la la la la POO

i reach into the drawer and fumble around a little
my hand brushes the cool plastic of its case
i grasp it, pulling it towards me.
its case is hard and black, the shining silver brand imprinted on the front
i slowly open the clasps
one

by

one
and open the box that hasnt been opened in more than a year.

the maroon velvet caresses the silver, every key every bump every hole.
i pick up the three peices and snap them together, the way that is so familiar to me.
i place it to my lips.

B flat.

G sharp.

high D.

after making sure my favourites still work, i turn to the first page of the first book.
the peice that i played for my exams.

i play "amid the new-mown hay" from beginning to end, without faltering, stopping or hitting the wrong note.
this is amazing. i havnt picked this up in more than a year and i havnt lost any talent.

some of the notes i can play i dont know the names of. i have mostly forgotten how to read my music.

but the sound, the notes, the trills, they come from my heart. they come from that place deep within me that knows these rhythms, these patterns, so so well. it has been imprinted to my soul.

just playing like this, it brought me back to the time i had last palyed it. the times there had been no stress or worry, when life was good.

next, "pillow dance"

my gosh, i was even more shocked at this one, the speed at which my tired fingers were moving was amazing.
i had always played this peice too fast. always too fast my teacher had told me one day. always too fast.
but i like it fast. it sounds so... alive



so i just played until all my books had been read and re read, mainly playing from the imprint, but having it there for support.

and i remember why i started it, a whole 6 years ago, when i was 7.

because it makes me happy.

i said "im back for good now, i wont dissapear again, unless the zombies take this prime oppertunity to invade..."
he said "dont worry, if they do ill fight them off, shirtless, wiht my bare hands"



wowwwwwww

im listening to my brother playing guitar.

like holy shit hes good.

so im back to my dark place

i really feel like hes avoiding me

it would even be okay if he answered my calls
i can live with being the one to call

it would even be okay if he answered my emails
i can live with being the one the start a convo






but no

and now i feel very very isolated from him

like why the fuck am i in this?

and i cant break up with him if he doesnt pick up or answer emails.

im not telopathical.

i have shunned his jumper even further out of my sight.
to under my lovesac.
thats right, under.
so i really will never see it again.

the whore drinks tea.

im getting fat.
yuck.

he didnt even pick up

i tried THREE times. more than thats stalkerish.
the motherfucker. coz now i cant casually say watcha do on sunday.
galahahhahhaialo.rhgwzb,sfjxuioy

i see you

like an asteroid.

its my daddys birthday today.

i got him two books that he might read in the next couple of years. (he is a really, really, really slow reader)
osc got him a pizza making machine
mum got him mika tickets but he doesnt like mika so ill probs end up going :):):):)
dexter got him a dozen beers, each from a different place around the world

and yay for food.

the things i am telling lachlan tonight

1. that day at the fair, on the ground i was crying.. but you didnt see or didnt care
2. i lied when i said that 'clever boy clever boy put two and two together' was an in joke, i actually meant it, directed at you
3. how was your sunday? *evil cackle* (im not actually going to evil cackle, but in my head i will be mwahahaha)

ima crack this baby right open.

its 9 16 AM

15 hours and 3 minutes since i asked him to call.

he didnt call.

i just want one phone call.
thats all i want.

and i dont know why im so upset that he isnt calling.
because every tear on my already wet pillow is showing my weakness.
how one phone call can affect me.

i just want him to call me.
i want it alot.

forever waiting

still waiting

its six hours and seven minutes since i asked him to call

but

still

no

call






its past midnight. im waiting for his call. i will wait until his call before i let myself sleep.

six hours isnt that long, he could have been eating.. he will call

he better call





i specifically asked him to ring me.
so he will.

my apologies dear friend

my apologies dear friend that i am feeling maybe a little tiny bit happy
that tomorrow is the end
just a little bit

and why am i regretfully a little joyful?



because every time a tear rolls down your beautiful cheek, a part of me breaks
something deep down inside of me shatters
every time i hear you say your sad
i have this urge
to wrap you up in my love and fly away with you
to keep you safe forever..

every time i see..well i see..
it hurts me inside
to know that you experience so much pain in life
to make you do... that
it really hurts me

and everytime you talk about the bad things hes done
i just want to punch him so hard
for not being who you want
who you need
who hes supposed to be


i feel your pain so vividly, and im crushed to know that sometimes im not enough to help you, not even enough to make you feel better.

ive cried before. ive cried because i see your pain and i dont know what to do to help you
because i need to help you
and i want to help you

the other day in the lockerrooms when my pointer finger on my right hand brushed along the scar closest to your knee on your left thigh, i meant it. i dont know, maybe if i brushed over it, the scar, the hurt and the memory would go away, like magic. like i could magically make your problems go away.

i know how much you hurt sometimes, i know it so well. i know you think i dont, but i really do.
i love you so much, to the end of the world and back and further still.

because every time you lose a drop of blood, or a single tear... my heart shatters













and that is why i am sorry that i think tomorow will be good for you, as you will have one less problem in your life, and one less hurt, and one less wound.

mah mah

is it gramatically correct to say "i will be omnicient" ? or only when used as a technique...?

if he calls me tonight, ill tell him i love him. there you go self, a good reason to keep your phone on. if he calls, which he wont, ill tell him i love hm. because then when its my voice, hell either say ilove you too, or i dont feel the same way. either or. but if he calls, i will be very happy.

i just know that me and lachlan could work, but we arent doing it right.

the pussycat dolls pherhaps got it right. fuck i hate the pussycat dolls. cept ther hot.

but they were right. i dont need a man to make me happy i get on do my thing i dont need a ring around my finger to make me feel complete

i dont even give a fuck about lachy anymore. he cant answer my calls and reply to my emails to save his life. he doesnt know i have my english exam tomorrow, heck he doesnt even no we have exams. let alone a good luck i love you i know youll do well. no, because i havnt spoken to him since saturday, when he was depressed.

what am i even talking about? he gave up saying i love you a LONG time ago. i just wish he would say it sometimes, i dont even care if he didnt beleive it, just so i could pretend that something in my life was working. just SOMETHING.

i really need a hug.

fuck.

exams are tomorrow and english is first and im freaking out cuz there is so much expetation from my parents and my teacher cuz im in extention english and at timbertop i wanna be in top extention so this exam matters so much and im not prepoerly writing a short story yet i just have to hope and pray that my short answers are witty enough and my essay is structured enough. coz i am gunna bullcrap my way through the quotes, lets hope they dont catch on. but that STORY. my god., i have to keep woring on it now so i cant type but im stdying for maths too which my parents want me to do well in and then i have to study for geog and science cuz i love geography and will beat myself up for all of eternity unless i get one hundred percent. i hate this. i left all this study to the last minute and now im screwed.

so m guna study my ass off now and see what happends

please god i pray to you the holy father, keep me safe in these tough exams, help me excel, help me work to the best of my capablities, i thank you lord, amen.

A woman takes a lover home during the daywhile her husband is at work. Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizingthat the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'The man says, 'Yes, it is..'Boy: 'I have a baseball.'Man: 'That's nice'Boy: 'Want to buy it?'Man: 'No, thanks.'Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'Man: 'OK, how much?'Boy: '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: 'Dark in here.'Man: 'Yes, it is.'Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'The lover, remembering the last time,asks the boy, How much?'Boy: '$750'Man: 'Sold.' A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..Wait For It !!The boy says, 'Dark in here.'The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now..'

what does cutting your breast represent? something about femninity. but im not sure, but i hear it everywhere.

:) smile if you mean it
:( frown if you mean it

(\/)
(o.o)
(><) Be a bunny if you mean it.

i should really call lachlan. but who gives a fuck anyway. sinc he started maybe mattering a little bit (saturday night), i can only get hurt by being around him... if he screws up itwill hurt now more than ever.

saw miss mac today

woooop.

i dunno why i dont like her that much anymore

since i feel like shes against me

since that day.

but i used to like her

but i like sarah more

shes my kinesiolegist :)

but uually we talk about goals and stuff

and what i want to happen

not really about just generally feeling depressed and like i want to stab myself.

but shes cool

and she smiles alot

which makes me happy

and she calls me gorgous

and shes pretty

and she got married

and shes just nice to be around

and i like her office A LOT more.

but ther different i suppose.

shes one of my fave adults.

along with mel.

and OTHER sarah.

its rather phenonimal that a phantom love can mean so much
and hurt so much when it goes wrong
or dissapears alltogether
when it was only a phantom

when you know you love him, but only once hes stopped loving you back
because when he loved you you werent ready


and the way a couple of words can mean so much ... the "i know what its like.. i really do"

how they can mean SO MUCH

and how the lack of the standard i love you is affecting me

and how the "obligations" are all taht make him act




when the love is so... unrequited (i hate that word, reminds me of goddamned year 7 english)

when love is unrequited..

life gets hellish
trying to just keep your head above the surface long enough to breathe

and so he 'likes' me. my ass. or hes just one of those people that doesnt show it.


but i kinda sorta love him



and its all very phenominal.

i think or once i might actually post something that lives up to the name of this blog, unspoken whispers.

so here is a whisper that i want to whisper but cant.

"so mother dearest, we find ourselves here again. please. consistency. do it for me do it for you i dont really care that your here, neither do i care that your gone, but dont you dare go trying to intervine when you have been out of my life for so long and you suddenly want to know everything. be here or dont be, but make up your mind."

another one is

"please stop trying to care."

another one is

"i know you better than you think i do"




that last one is to more than just one person

a thousand times ive started to write a post
a thousand i havnt clicked publish
a thousand times i just didnt let myself
a thousand i just said no

be bah bo bah be bah bo.

my life sucks harder than you could imagine.

i ate bubble bath last night.

little

im just a little bit scared right now
scared of my emotions
scared of whats going on
scared to show my ture feelings

because i know everyone thinks im laughing when i call him a douche, like im joking
most of the time i am
but alot of the time im not
and im dying inside because i dont know why im staying with him
because hes hurtful
and hes bringing me down
and i dont know why im fighting so hard to keep us going
when he couldnt care less

so really,
thats why im not writing so much


coz im just a little bit scared
of whats going to happen...

to us.

im sorry im not writing much since the holidays, im going through a bit of a bottle-it-all-up-i-dont-want-to-talk-about-my-fucker-of-a-life period.

your still beautiful when you cry

i spoke to cam tonight and told him pretty much everything about how im feeling with lachlan. but there is still more i want to tell him about it.

my mums being retarded. like seriously, fuck off. happy and OTT loving one minute, holy hell i want to kill you the next. make your mind up. i dont care either way.

http://daniel.fliggo.com/video/6YBbsBAY

and he doesnt even know

that everything isnt okay

fuck my life.

seriously.

tonight was terrible.

im really questioning things.

like lachlan.

is it even worth it?

i cant promise to solve all your problems
but i can promise you wont have to face them alone

i kinda want to post something

but i kind of dont.

i can be bothered now.

Actually no, i will write, before i forget.

i dont love you

i dont even like you that much

yet i keep on going

i was having a good day

feeling like a child

with my face painted and balloon in hand

until you came

and everything went downhill from there.

no hello

no hug

jesus a kiss would never have happened

you ignored me the whole day

and when i asked you about it that night

you said "because i was with friends

i didnt want to be all over you

i just wanted to chill"

chill my ass

and i noticed.

i noticed when you finally did put your arm around my waist,

forced to of course

you would never do it yourself

but i noticed, how you got your hands away from me as soon

as soon as your brother rounded the corner

like you were ashamed of me

like you didnt want to be seen with me

im your girlfriend you idiot

you absoloute idiot

and all you had to say that night was bitching about other people

you didnt even apologise.

you thought nothing was wrong.

i am trying to be good by you

i put myself out there and called you

usually im too scared.

but i did it, and we talked

until you said you wanted to go to bed

what? is it undone in your world to speak on the phone under the covers until the early hours?

thats what i wanted.

but no.

with a swift goodbye you hung up

no i love you

no goodnight

no nothing.

and it kinda made me feel bad

like i wasnt worth much to you

and i am wondering, why do you keep me?

you clearly dont like my inside, or you would have kept talking

you clearly dont like my outside, if you didnt want to be associated with me.

but lets take it back a step, at the park.

i came back for you, so you wouldnt get lost.

we walked to the park together.

that was your chance to say something.

everyone had been saying stuff all morning about how weird you were being.

you didnt notice.

so, the park.

when everyone was having fun,

i secretly wanted to die.

and you wonder why i kissed lily *on the lips*

and refused you.

wonder all you like sweet boy.

but when i sat down at the park

and you asked why i was sad,

i laughed and said what? im happy as can be

and smiled.

that stupid smile that let you off the hook of caring what was wrong.

and when i lay down you lay with me.

for a split second.

you didnt even notice when i was crying and my facepaint was smudging.

or if you did notice how upset i was, you didnt care to ask.

much less comfort or hug me.

and then

the worst

all day

when i was crying,

you

literally

just



walked



away.

without a goodbye, you walked away from a wreck on the floor that slightly resembled me

you actually walked away.

if only

i cant even be bothered to write how i am feeling. basically, through the floor.

lifes like an hourglass glued to the table

its two AM and she calls me coz im still awake
can you help me unravel my latest mistake
i dont love him
winter just wasnt my season

yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
like they have any right at all to critisize
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

Coz you cant jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button girl
so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe...
just breathe...
ohh breathe...
just breathe...

hatred

fuck you bitch
i hate you
i dont care that you have problems
everyone does
and if i caused so much drama as you do
the world would hate me too.

get a fucking life and stop spreading rumours about shit you have no idea about
just SHUT THE FUCK UP
i hate you

and lachy wont pick up the godamned phone
when i need him to
just pick it up bitch

little lady, i know why everyone hates you. there is alot of people who do.
because you think the world is here for you benefit.
ITS NOT

i hate you

stop talking about me

and wats worse is that everyone beleives you.

FUCK
MY
LIFE





if i get anywhere near you tomorrow,

watch out.

seriously.

indeliberate

how could he ask me that?

he tempted me so much to tell him

but he didnt even know

how much it meant

but he knows how it is.

so i could tell him if i wanted.

but just not yet

i need to fast track to when things are a bit more natural, less awkward. more understanding.

but holy fuck.

he asked.

he just out right asked.

and i had to act shocked and like why the hell did you ask that

but i could have said yes.

but im not that silly.